Archive for January, 2010

Thanks to Jamie, I’m a “Carrie”

January 20, 2010

So, as you know yesterday was the first Jamie birthday without her, and I was a bit lost. Not sure what to do with my feelings or what they were. But then it all came to a head when I picked up a handful of copies of Nightspots, our local gay glossy on the way home from dinner. There, on page 10, right across from a spread about Adam Lambert visiting Roscoe’s Pub, was my first published article.

I’ve had some super supportive people in my life. Tony Peregrin told me from back in the pre-Facebook days how much he loved my just general emails and that I should work on writing. The first person to ever notice or care. Steven, with whom I do Dancing About Architecture, has also always been convinced I’d do bigger and better than I expected. And of course my man is always there for me no matter what. But most of all, whenever┬áI was feeling down after reading one of her eloquent and witty posts on here, she would always pick up the phone and cheer me on to keep going and write on. She loved my writing for some reason. Even if her posts were always great, I knew I at least had her and the other three angels mentioned as fans, and that kept me typing.

So last night as the visual of the printed page hit my eye, then mind, then heart, then back to my eyes for a cry, it hit me like a bolt that it’s no coincidence that my first published piece would hit stands on January 19th, 2010. It was her. Either pushing me on in memory, or literally in spirit, it was direct and deliberate. ┬áIf it wasn’t for you I’d have given up long ago.

We love you and miss you.


__________ Birthday…

January 19, 2010

I still don’t think Jamie’s passing has sunk in 100% with me. It’s like there’s a small damn holding back big water. So today being the first birthday of Jamie’s for which she’s not here to celebrate is a dull pain in my heart that I just don’t know what to do with. Sorta like the feeling of being constantly being flicked in the back of your head vs. just getting sucker punched.

So with no clue how I’m supposed to pass the day, here’s a song, our favorite way to express to each other what we want to say. This song has become, in my head, our posthumous song.

My heart is with the Tinnon’s, Scudder, Dordek’s and everyone in her chosen family too.