4 things I don’t want to hear about


Hey Jamie,

Why do I always feel like the bitchy one of the 2 of us? Because I am. But listening to one of my favorite TV podcasts today and enduring the 20th minute of “Lost” talk, my mind started to wander/wonder, “does anyone, except Lost fans, really give a shit?”  And the answer is No. So, as my dad once said about at least 2 of these topics, “no one wants to hear about your shit, so keep it to yourself.”

shut up

1. Illness. When someone asks how you’re doing, its really just a nicety to find out, in general, how your life and state of mind are. We don’t need to know you found a skin tag on your taint, or may have food poisoning and proceed to go over symptoms, or about your crippling infantigo. I don’t even know what that is, and I’m good with it.  My dad always taught me, all you need to, say, “i feel lousy”…if that. And only to bosses and professors as you may want to call in tomorrow. But really, no one cares. No one. Well, maybe your mom, and that is doubtful.  She is asi/asi about you lately, really.

2. Dreams. Now, we all find our own dreams fascinating for the first like 5 minutes we’re up, but then they’re gone like that guy from last Saturday who looked like Judah Friedlander. Every once in a while we have a doosy though. Like a sex dream about that person who isn’t even of the gender you like to stick it in, or where someone dies by the had of a clown who looked like Sarah Brightman, or maybe just the classic naked-where-i-shouldn’t-be-where’s-my-pants one. Interesting to you, not so much to others. Really? They weren’t there and you’re a horrible story teller. Yes you are. Don’t believe me? Ask a co-worker about their dream last night. Or better, the best dream ever, if they, by chance, can remember, it won’t be interesting to you. You’ll be zoning out by sentence 2.

3. Your kids/dogs/cats. Don’t get me wrong. I love all 2, and occasionally cats if they’re not crazy and they always are, but cats are WHOLE other bitchy post. But c’mon, kids and pets are like poetry you wrote in high school, only you find it beautiful and thought provoking. The rest of us, not so much. We certainly don’t mind the occasion pic or cute story of spot/princess/Suri eating you Tory Burch/used condom/daddy’s wrestling DVD’s, but stop. Too much is quite enough. One quicky and walk away. Much like Jamie’s college dates. Oh! Kidding.

4. Lost…or any other show that shuts you out if you miss the first episode (24, Veronica Mars, Alias, Fringe). Getting back to the start, one of my favorite podcasts, GMRR and Ducky, who talk about TV shows and whats wrong or right with them, and are VERY influential in the industry, today started talking about the new episodes of Lost. I’m not getting into it on Lost in general and it quality. I’m sure its a fine, captivating show, with lots of twists (that really mean nothing! eg. Twin Peaks) and some fine acting (hot guys), but unless you’ve seen EVERY episode, it sounds like you’re speaking Swedish in Tokyo to a mute.  DHARMA Initiative: unless you add AND GREG, i have no idea. Hurly, that’s the fat guy, right. Got it. And that dude from Party of Five and a hobbit are on there, right. Right. Otherwise….STOP IT. I’m obsessed with Tolkien, Kylie Minogue, Tim Burton films, Pushing Daisies, and the works of Dash Mihok but you don’t see me going on and on about it! Nope. I just stick to topics folks can easily digest: American Idol, Meet the Press, TMZ, and Tool Academy. Keep it short, keep it sweet, keep it real stupid.

And Jamie, if you live by these 4 rules, small talk domination is yours. You’ll have them eating out of your hand, which had maggots coming out of it, then it fell off and turned into John Ritter that performed Medea in Jambese. Oh wait, that was a dream or did I see that on Lost? Stop!


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One Response to “4 things I don’t want to hear about”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Okay, I totally agree with three of your rules to live by. I pretty much love hearing about people’s cats, dogs and children. Call it a character flaw, but you may wax poetic about your dependents all you want. By the way, don’t mention it to Jamie, but I am plotting to steal Gertie and Imogene.

    An addendum to the dream rule is if you can say it in one sentence. “Last night I had a dream that I was marrying Don Knotts.” or “What do you think it means that I constantly dream about being chased by General Tom Thumb?” Like you said…zoning after sentence 2…I agree. If you are a concise speaker, you may mention the main theme, but no details.



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