My Fake Friends



You’ll appreciate this.  I was watching a really boring episode of Project Runway the other day and I started daydreaming to entertain myself.  I don’t remember much about my fantasy, but I know it involved Tim Gunn and me heading to the mall together to find a new pair of knee-high boots.*  When I regained consciousness, I got to thinking; What TV personalities would make the best friends and why?

"You're my best friend..."

"...You're my best friend..."

Tom Colicchio – He’s a master chef, but you just know he likes to drink regular guy beer and eat mac and cheese from the pot.  I want him to be my down-to-earth foodie friend.  Not uppity like Gail or too adventurous like Anthony Bourdain, but a friend equally at home snacking on kettle corn or making a six course meal together.

Todd Oldman – Is it possible he’s as nice as he seems?  I don’t see how that could be so.  He would be my I’m-feeling-crappy-about-myself-I-need-a-lift-friend.  I mean, he says positive things about every single shitty design he sees on Top Design.  The man must be the sweetest person ever or the most convincing pathological liar that ever walked this green earth.  Either quality would make him a wicked friend!

Dr. Phil – I know what you’re going to say.  No, trust me, I know.  He’s an idiot. He’s singlehandedly ruining the psychological profession.  Uh huh.  I know.  BUT he’s just the type of therapist-friend I need.  Tell me like it is!  No sugar coating.  No pussy footing around.  Hit me!  
“What do you think about my life, Phil?”   
“I can see where you could say that, but–”
“–Oh, OK. Um, really?”  
“I’m really that bad? I just wouldn’t use the word delusional. Wow.”
“Oh yeah?  Well, Phil, you have a huge melon head.  Asshat.”
On second thought…

Isaac Mizrahi – I love that he’s insecure, just like regular not-talented people.  He’ll cry with me while watching Lifetime made for TV movies. The beauty of Isaac is that he remembers everyone’s birthdays.  He goes with you to doctors appointments and listens when you complain for the 1000th time about your job. He’s sensitive and whiny, but I love him like a brother anyhow.

How does he do that?

How does he do that?

Phil Keoghan – As you know, thanks to you, I’ve actually met and had a few email exchanges with Phil, but we are not even close to being friends.  Besides being nice, he’s one of the most passionate people I’ve ever talked to.  He loves life, believes in his work, is socially responsible, and has accomplished everything on his lifetime to do list.  Impressive.  Phil is the friend to keep you excited to wake up everyday.  Plus the eyebrow porn is too cute.

Michael Kors – I want him to be my bitchy gay friend (it’s just imaginary Marc, relax).  Come on.  You know he’s crazy funny.  He’s the person I’ll share hangovers with at Sunday brunch.  We’ll both wear our sunglasses inside and laugh about how everyone around us has “questionable taste”.  

I suppose it’s no coincidence that these are all men. I’m sure Dr. Phil would have something to say about that.  Unfortunately, I have to run now. Michael Kors just called.  There’s a party at Tim Gunn’s house and he wants me to wear my new boots!





* I know how you hate girl-shopping (your only flaw, by the way) so it isn’t technically cheating on you.


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6 Responses to “My Fake Friends”

  1. Sara Says:

    Hmmm…my list is pretty similar, but replace Dr. Phil with Dr. Drew. 🙂

  2. Jamie Says:

    So funny, Sara. He was next in line, but I thought I was being greedy by taking two doctors!

  3. Joan Says:

    Your writing is hilarious! Have you ever thought about being a professional writer? What the world needs now, is humor, sweet humor.

  4. m000se Says:

    your best post yet! i may have to have a response one.

  5. Sara Says:

    Does Dr. Phil have guns like these?

    I think not. 😉

  6. Jamie Says:

    No. No he doesn’t. Sara, I had a theory long ago that I thought nicely wrapped up the female population. Girls could be split into two groups. Those that want to sleep with Dr. Drew and those that would chose to have sex with Adam Corolla. It’s simple, but it helped me keep the world orderly.

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